


Eggsy Unwin's Step by Step Guide to Buying Your Lover A Valentine's Day Gift

by AuthentiKait



Series: Eggsy Unwin's Step by Step Guide to Life With Harry Hart [2]
Category: Kingsman: The Secret Service (2015)
Genre: Eggsy is clueless af, F/M, Hartwin, Lingerie Kink, M/M, Merlot - Freeform, Oral Sex, Rimming, but so is Merlin, nsfw Valentine's Day gifts, roxy is so done, valentines day au, weird Valentine's Day gifts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-13
Updated: 2016-02-13
Packaged: 2018-05-20 06:34:18
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,189
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5995077
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AuthentiKait/pseuds/AuthentiKait
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Eggsy is in a panic about Valentine's Day, Roxy is no help at all and Merlin just wishes his agents would stop being so bloody gross in front of him. May or may not feature an interesting V Day gift or two.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Eggsy Unwin's Step by Step Guide to Buying Your Lover A Valentine's Day Gift

**Author's Note:**

  * For [harryunwin](https://archiveofourown.org/users/harryunwin/gifts).



> Inspired by [harryunwin's](harryunwin@tumblr.com) tumblr post about chocolate buttholes for Valentine's Day! It's a bit early, because it's Valentine's Day already in Australia, but I hope you guys like it!

Step 1. Dont panic.

"What the fuck am I going to get 'im, Rox?" Eggsy panicked for about the 15th time. It's his and Harry's first Valentine's Day together since they finally got their shit together and started dating, and he's freaking the fuck out. Like seriously. He's never even had a proper Valentine before, what with having previous partners that didn't even stay more than 5 minutes after sex before pissing off. Well he'd given a girl a flower once, one he picked from some old biddie's garden, but that still hadn't done him much good in the romance department.

"Eggsy," Roxy sighs from the other side of the Kingsman jet, leaning her face on her hand tiredly. They're en route to HQ after a joint operation in Inverness, saving the world again from some crazed terrorists hellbent on blowing a hole the size of the moon in Scotland's nice green countryside. And Valentine's Day is approaching with the speed of the Kingsman jet they're flying in- that is, far too fucking quickly, Eggsy notes with a jolt.

He has fourteen days to get his shit together with this, and he's been spazzing about it for another fourteen before that. But the honest truth is, he has absolutely 0 ideas on what to get Harry. Fuck.

"I've already suggested heaps of options," Roxy continued tiredly, giving him a pointed look. "You've got your classic clichéd gifts like flowers, teddies..."

"Flowers make me sneeze, and Daisy'll rip tha' teddy to shreds as soon as she lays eyes on it," Eggsy returns, massaging his temples. "She's gone through 3 in the past fortnight, and honestly I don' know how or why she's doin' it- she's a fuckin' bear assassin, each one is pulled apart the same fuckin' way".

"Ok so a bear and flowers aren't optimal," Roxy voices, ticking off a finger as she mentions each item. "But what about tickets to a show?"

"Seen 'em all wi' him already". Madame Butterfly had been quite good, but the new production of Cats didn't come out until March 1, and Eggsy wasn't sure Harry was willing to sit through The Lion King for the 5th time.

"Movies?"

"Nuffink interesting on". And it didn't help Eggsy was banned from most cinemas in the London vicinity, thanks to his pre-Kingsman days when all he wanted to do was fuck shit up.

"A weekend away?" Roxy almost sounds desperate now.

"We work for a fuckin' spy agency Rox, do you actually think we'll get more than one hour into a nice romantic holiday before some twat decides to try and obliterate humanity?"

"Well I'm all out of suggestions," Roxy announces defeatedly, leaning her head back on the plush aeroplane seat."So you'll have to come up with it yourself".

"Or you could just tell me what you got Merlin".

"No". Roxy dismisses him, turning her attention to her phone as an alert pings to life.

"C'mon, Rox-"

"No."

"Help a guy out-"

"Eggsy, there is no way I'm telling you what I bought Merlin. So save your breath". Roxy doesn't even deign to look up as Eggsy huffs frustratedly.

"Ya're a right wanker".

The only response he receives is a subtle smirk. 

Step 2. Be honest and straight-to-the-point.

Eggsy paces outside, walking backwards and forwards in front of the storefront before stopping smack bang in the middle of the doorway, as a few more customers dodge around him to meander inside. 

'You can do it,' his conscience urges. 'You've got to do something'.

Eggsy gulps as he steps inside Agent Provocateur, trying not to look conspicuous but feeling completely and utterly out of fucking place amongst the tide of women milling back and forth inside the store that looked like a fluffy explosion of fabric femininity.

He's never bought lingerie before, not even the skimpiest thong from Selfridge's. Mostly because he's never had a need to, not having a partner who had a particular aversion to over-priced lacy strands that covered your fun bits- but he wants to surprise Harry. See the older man's eyes widen, pupils blowing in his leather study chair as Eggsy strips off, agonisingly slowly, to reveal something sexy and just for Harry.

And fuck, Eggsy couldn't wait for Harry to rip whatever he was going to buy straight back off him.

But fantasising about Harry's reaction aint gonna help much now, Eggsy conceded, cause  were larger problems at hand. Like explaining to the bird-like sales assistant making a bee-line for him, obviously smelling the stench of inexperience and slight male awkwardness, that the lingerie was not for his girlfriend/wife /female friend, but for him.

"HellowelcometoAgentProvocateurmynameisLaurahowcanIhelpyou"-

"Hey," Eggsy ventures awkwardly, stuffing his hands in his tracksuit pockets and ducking his head slightly. "I was wonderin' if you lot had-"

"TheValentine'sDayCollection?MostlysoldoutbutwestillhavesomeoftheredBubbleslingerie,onlyinsize3-"

"Tha's fine". He rubs his neck awkwardly, looking this way and that. Leave leave leave leave-

"Wellletmetryandhelpyouout,whatbodyshapeisshe?Apple?Pear?Hourglass?"

"Uh-"

"Andherbrasize?"

"Well-it-er-she isn't-" Eggsy tries to interrupt, but the cyclonic babble of the sales assistant is making it fucking impossible to get a word in.

"Wait!" There's a pause, and Laura from Agent Provocateur's perfectly lip-glossed lips fall open. "Is she-"

"She's a man!" Eggsy bursts out, and runs straight out the door and down the several blocks back to Savile Row with his tail between his legs.

Well that went fucking brilliantly.

Roxy's in fits when he tells her later, falling out of the Skype camera screen with muffled laughter coming from her hotel floor in Berlin whilst a very unimpressed and frustrated Eggsy watches on. 

"Order it online," she suggests breathlessly, cheeks tinged slightly pink, hiccoughing slightly, as Eggsy sighs rather forlornly.

"But I don' know wha' size of bird's underwear I am wi'out tryin' it on firs', eh? Even if I'd told tha' sales girl them panties were fir me in the firs place, she woulda called security on my arse quicker than ya could say tha' fuckin' shop's name!"

"But you could order from them online," Roxy suggests, leaning her chin on her hand and looking into the cam intently.

"Nah. Like I said, too 'ard to guess me size, innit?  And wha' if it don' fit when it arrives? I'd've bought meself about 300 quid worth o' pretty lacy shit I can't even wear". JB jumps onto his lap in the Kingsman lounge, Eggsy scratching the pug's velvety ears absently.

"Wanna pick me up some German gear?" He grins suddenly into the cam, and Roxy rolls her eyes.

"Eggsy, I'm here to stop an assassination, not to buy you and Harry more wank material".

"It is not," he argued back, as JB whined slightly, footsteps sounding from the carpet in the hallway.

"What on earth're yeh two possibly arguin' abou' now?" Merlin complains, not even looking up front his clipboard as he wanders past the couch Eggsy is sitting on and over to the coffee machine.

"Whether or not Eggsy should order some lingerie-"

"-And ya girlfriend's refusing to buy me some German bits an' pieces," Eggsy interrupted unabashedly, just as Merlin raises an unimpressed eyebrow.

"And why, may I ask, are yeh lookin' for lingerie in the firs' place?"

" 'Arry," Eggsy mumbles, dropping his gaze to JB.

"So yeh thinking of buyin' 'Arry some lacy-"

"No, the lingerie's for Eggsy, babe." Roxy explains, a touch of humour in her tone. Eggsy mimes vomiting while Merlin's back is turned. If you thought he and Harry were bad, well- Merlin and Roxy were 10x worse.

"Hmm". The Kingsman handler set the water jug to boil. "Well you could try online, but I absolutely forbid yeh from wasting Lancelot's time on an operation to buy you expensive underwear, Galahad. Kingsman is a spy agency- no' a fuckin' personal courier service".

"Fine," Eggsy concedes, and after hanging up on Roxy, goes online to pore over a rather formidable selection of Agent Provocateur products.

****

"Rox!!!!"

"What?" 

"I told you this would 'appen-"

"Eggsy what's wrong-"

"I need ya to bring some scissors and get ya arse to m'place now-"

"Eggsy what in God's name is going on?!"

"This fuckin' underwear don't fuckin' fit!"

****

Step 3. Think about your partner's interests.

"This Valentine's Day thing is fucking stupid," Eggsy concludes. He's spent ages worrying about what to get Harry, trawling the internet for outlandish suggestions, and even now he can't stop thinking about it. Even when he's pressed up against their bedroom wall, kissing one Harry Hart quite vigorously as the older man frames his body with his own.

"You're all tense," the Kingsman chief remarks as they break apart, skilled hands coming to rest gently on the younger agent's broad shoulders."Is there something amiss?"

"Nah, just thinking abou' the op," Eggsy lies, looping his hands comfortably around Harry's bespoke-clad waist. Disappointingly, the Bahamas hadn't been nice that time of year, as everyone had claimed- well, the niceness was rather spoiled when a burgeoning drug cartel decided to try and kidnap some Dutch politician's daughter. Really, what the fuck was it with villians and building their lairs in the world's best holiday spots?!

"I can think of a little something to loosen you up," Harry remarks matter-of-factly, but there's a gleam of mischief in those chestnut eyes and a twitch at the corner of his mouth.  

And so Eggsy finds himself facedown on their bed, trousers and briefs pooled around his ankles, with Harry breathing down something that definitely wasn't his neck.

"Fuuuuck," Eggsy moans as Harry teases with his tongue, flicking little kitten licks around the rim. He's painfully hard, even after less than a minute of Harry toying with him, but he's finding it hard to completely immerse himself in the pleasure. What stuff is Harry interested in? He's got far too many books, dead butterflies- fuck, the man has got far too much of everything.

Two hands knead his pert cheeks as Harry swoops in again, pressing his tongue lightly against Eggsy's hole, almost breaching him before licking a teasing circle around the rim, sending the younger man into trembles, his thighs locking up. The only thing stopping Eggsy from bucking off the bed is the firm grip Harry has on him- firm but not tight, and the bastard knows exactly what he's doing and how much it's affecting him.

"Oh, uh, 'Arry-" 

A particularly vicious lick has Eggsy crying out again, before finally, agonisingly slowly, Harry works his tongue inside. He doesn't even know how much time is passing, he's lost track of fucking everything as Harry presses in and eases out in such a drawn-out manner Eggsy's sure they're going to have to change the sheets- the precome positively dripping out of his cock is soaking through.

"Hngh- yes- let me come on ya tongue, 'Arry- agh-"

And no matter how badly he wants it, Eggsy just cannot stop thinking about fucking Valentine's Day which is 5 days away and he has no idea what to get Harry while the god-fucking damned perfect man is on his knees eating his-

Oh my god. Oh my fucking god.

He's got it. The thing he'd seen advertised online.  He's finally found something to buy Harry that fits with one of his hobbies- oh fuck yes.

And with that, Harry gives Eggsy a particularly deep push with his tongue against his prostate, and Eggsy comes all over the bedsheets with a moan, content grin on his face.

Harry was gonna love this.

Step 4. Be confident- they'll love it whatever it is.

"Hey babe," Eggsy singsongs as he waltzes into HQ, fresh off a quick assignment in Cornwall, because yep, even Kingsman sometimes have to work on Valentine's Day. Well, sort of- all ops after 2pm have been called off, so every knight and handler has at least a few hours left of the day to spend with their special someone. One of the many perks of having a totally cool boss- who Eggsy's hoping to all the gods loves his Valentine's Day gift.

"Darling," Harry gets up from the pastel-striped sofa in the Kingsman lounge, a stunning smile gracing his face as he approaches Eggsy. The younger agent lets himself be pulled in for a slow, sweet kiss, relishing the feel of Harry's lips upon his before resting his forehead against his partner's for an intimate moment.

"Ugh, can yeh two get a room?" Merlin interrupts crossly, headed straight for the coffee maker as always. 

"Says the man who frequently mauls his girlfriend by the mouth in the presence of others," Harry counters, raising both eyebrows in the direction of his best friend.

A grunt is heard, before a lanky body plops itself onto the sofa Harry just vacated, fixated on the clipboard in hand. Turning back to Eggsy, Harry smiles softly, eyes filled with loving warmth, and the younger man feels the corners of his mouth lift automatically in response.

"So what'd ya get me?" He teases cheekily, gripping Harry's waist lightly with one hand, the other hidden behind his back.

"How very forward of you," his lover banters back, amused. "A gentleman is always the picture of propriety, Eggsy. He doesn't ask outright for a gift".

"Well I'll give ya yours firs' then, Mista' picture o' propriety," Eggsy retorts sweetly, and pulls the box out from behind his back.

"Happy Valentine's day," he announces cheekily, thrusting the box into Harry's hands. "Now you can eat my arse in front of people,  'Arry".

Merlin spits out his coffee.

For a moment there's silence, and Eggsy's terrified Harry's angry or upset, until the older agent begins to absolutely piss himself laughing, Merlin's noises of utter derision and disgust audible in the background.

"Thank you, Eggsy," Harry finally manages, corners of his eyes crinkling up as he pulls Eggsy in for a kiss."I shall utterly enjoy eating your arse in front of people".

"Twats," Merlin is calling in the background. "Filthy, sappy, disgustin' twats who buy equally filthy, sappy and disgusting gifts for each other".

"Gifts?" Roxy enters the room to come and sit beside Merlin and give him a hello peck. "Babe, you've spilt coffee everywhere again".

"I know," Merlin grumbles as Roxy goes to fetch a napkin. 

"So what'd you buy Harry in the end, Eggsy?" Roxy asks as she dabs at Merlin's woolly jumper. 

"Chocolate arseholes," he answers happily, and Roxy bursts into another round of raucous laughter.

"Only you would buy him that, Eggsy," she shakes her head amusedly. "Only you".

"Like I said before, filthy, sappy twats buying filthy gifts," Merlin sang out far too joyfully, attention focused back on his clipboard as he slings a casual arm around Roxy.

"That's rather tall order coming from you, Merlin," Harry raises both eyebrows in the direction of the other man, arms still firmly wrapped around Eggsy. "I seem to recall a rather filthy gift left on your desk as I walked past just now. A care kit, shall we say, devoted to a sensitive area."

"A Willy Care Kit?!" Eggsy exclaims, bemused grin lighting his face as he sets eyes on the frozen couple sitting on the sofa. "So that was why ya wouldn't tell me what you was gettin' 'im, eh Rox? And I thought the gift I saw was bad- Fundies, Merlin, really?"

"I-um-well-Don't know what you're talking about," Roxy managed a little breathily, face bright pink as Merlin cleared his throat, nodding in assent whilst his eyes remained firmly fixed on the carpet. 

"Purely for research purposes, possible new addition to standard Kingsman equipment-"

"Oh fuck off," Eggsy and Harry said in unison, both chuckling at their rather mortified friends. Now this was something they could pay out on them about for weeks, and Eggsy was already making plans to drop a few hints at the next round table meeting.

"Well I suppose we'll leave you to it," Harry offers, eyes twinkling, and steers Eggsy toward the door. "New equipment to test, and all".

And Eggsy lets himself be led away, fighting to keep from pissing himself with laughter right then and there.

****

"There ya are," Eggsy slouches into Harry's office later evening, collapsing into the chair in front of Harry's desk and putting his feet up on the oak surface. "Merlin said ya weren't at HQ no more, so I came straigh' home".

There'd been an quick emergency op, a matter of national security, and of course Eggsy had been the lucky agent who got to go fight the bad guy (who obviously didn't have a Valentine, the sod) and save the day. Luckily he and Harry hadn'thad anything important planned- he would've been royally pissed if they'd been out to dinner or something.

"Hmm, and I was right," Merlin sounds simultaneously from Eggsy's comm and Harry's laptop speakers, the older agent evidently Skypeing the handler. "Computer whiz, psychic- I'm th' full package".

"Psychic, no," Harry replies, as Eggsy gets up from the chair to settle in his boyfriend's lap, turning to look at Merlin's face on the screen. "All of us have trackers implanted upon Knighthood, so don't pretend you don't know where every agent is at any given time".

"True," Merlin agrees before Eggsy interjects with a smug grin. "Speaking of packages, I'm sure your package is pretty well-groomed, eh Merlin? Considering it's got its own care kit".

"Fuck off, Galahad," Merlin growls crossly, the tips of his ears turning pink as Eggsy notices a familiar chocolate box to the left side of Harry's desk, just next to a stack of forms marked 'Confidential'. 

"You planning on eating my arse, 'Arry?" He reaches across to snag the box, pulling out a chocolate and holding it before Harry's slightly-parted lips. The Kingsman chief lets Eggsy feed it to him, making over-exaggerated 'mmm's and 'closing his eyes in bliss as Merlin mutters in the background, feigning retching noises.

"Delicious," Harry concludes finally, a smirk settling upon his features as his eyes meet Eggsy's.

"Ok, tha's enough, ya twats. Merlin out". The screen of Harry's laptop turns black as the handler hangs up, obviously feeling a bit, er, awkward.

Well he had good reason to be, Eggsy concludes. Because if Merlin had stayed a moment longer he might've seen something he didn't want to see- lile Harry's hands tugging Eggsy's crisp white shirt out of his trousers, running a hand along the wine-red lacy waistband that peeked out from underneath the hem of the tailored Kingsman trousers.

"You wore these during your mission?" Harry breathed, mouthing at Eggsy's neck. "You fought off armed thugs, taking out each and every one, leapt off the top of a 12-storey building carring some very sensitive national security documents, whilst wearing a pair of the most sinful fucking panties Agent Provocateur stocks?"

"Fuck yeah I did," Eggsy grins back, hands slightly mussing Harry's perfect hair as the older man cups Eggsy's arse cheeks through the lingerie that just so happens to fit fucking perfectly. Because of course, Harry fucking Hart just knows what size lingerie to buy his boyfriend for Valentine's Day.

"Well I do believe you, my dear boy, need a seeing-to".

Fuck, he loves Valentine's Day.

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! You can find me on [tumblr](http://ooooaaaakeeenssshhiiiieeeellld.tumblr.com)


End file.
